This section of jokes is not intended to hurt any player or country and is in pure humor
The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket. "But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels. "Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.
There was a long drought in Central Africa. The witch doctor had tried all his rainmaking dances, imprecations, but to no avail. One of the elders observed that rain was never a problem in England, so why not send the witch doctor to London to learn the secret. Off he went to England, learned the secret, and returned to the tribe.He informed the leaders that these crazy white men had a big paddock of grass enclosed by a white picket fence. In the middle were two lots of sticks driven into the ground. Two men, each with a club, stood next to these sticks and waited for a lot of other men to spread themselves all over the paddock. Then two more men, wearing black trousers, four sweaters and six hats, came out to keep a close watch on the men with the clubs. Then one man got a red rock and threw it at one of the fellers with a club. AND DOWN CAME THE RAIN!
And just to show that you can tell the same joke in two different ways: Two aliens were visiting Earth to research the local customs. They split up so that they could learn more in the time allowed. When they met to share their knowledge, the first alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen. "I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs." "Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?" "Then it begins to rain."
In a village match, the local squire was at the crease. He missed the first ball of the day which clipped the off stump and the bail fell to the ground. Picking it up he looked pointedly at the umpire. "Windy today, isn't it?" he asked."Aye, Squire," came the answer, "but I'm not, and you're out."
Another famous cricketer was enticed down to a remote country village and took the field to tremendous hand from the crowd. He took his guard and faced the local fast bowler. Down came the ball and uprooted his stumps. As he walked out he called to the bowler, "Magnificent ball." "What did you expect?" the bowler growled. "A ruddy turnip?"
In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?" asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."
A slip fieldsman had a particularly depressing day during which he dropped no less than ten catches all off the same bowler. After the game he was talking to the bowler when he broke off and looked at his watch. "I must go," he said, "I have a train to catch." The bowler looked at him bitterly. "Let's hope you have better luck with that, then."
The visiting team was surprised to find that there were no scoring facilities at the village ground. The captain approached the opposing leader. "How do you keep the score?" he asked. "Oh, we keep it in our heads, " replied the captain, a burly blacksmith, "and if there's any argument we settle it behind the pavilion after the game."
The village teams were ready to begin their match but discovered that they were without an umpire. They decided that they would use a member of the crowd even though he knew nothing of the rules. When he was dressed in his white coat and hat, he went up to the captain of the home side. "What do I do?" he asked."It's very simple," said the home captain. "When I shout "HOWZAT!" you simply put up your finger and say "OUT". When it's our turn to bat, I'll tell thee a little bit more!"
During the match, the fieldsman positioned just behind the umpire kept trying to distract the batsman as the ball was bowled to him. Several appeals for L.B.W were turned down, and finally the umpire turned to the fieldsman and said sternly: "I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes." "I thought so," came the reply, "I could tell you weren't watching the game!"
Some funny Q&A
Q. What is the height of optimism?A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.
Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.
Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.
Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Commentary jokes
He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time. - Richie Benaud, Channel 9
In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one. - Tony Greig, Channel 9
It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air.- Jack Potter, 3UZ
Chappell just stood on his feet and smashed it to the boundary. - Jim Maxwell, ABC Radio
I think we are all slightly down in the dumps after another loss. We may be in the wrong sign...Venus may be in the wrong juxtaposition with somewhere else. - Ted Dexter, explaining away England's seventh successive Test loss, to Australia at Lord's, 1993
Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare. - Mike Brearley, 1980
Yorkshire legend Brian Close's advice to his team as Gary Sobers came in to bat: Right lads: this guy's a left hander".
One from the ABC box: Jim Maxwell: "The sight of Bright holds no fright for Wright" and the prompt reply from I forget who: "That's right!"
At the royal wedding in 1981 Johnners was commentating on BBC radio outside St. Pauls cathedral. 'Yes I can see the happy couple now making their way down the steps of the pavilion'.
'The slow motion replay doesn't show how fast that delivery was'. Benaud
That tough cricketer Brian Close was fielding close to the wicket at short leg when the batsman produced a full-blooded pull shot and the ball hit the fielder hard on the side of his face. Amazingly it flew straight up in the air and the batsman was caught at slip. "My God," said a worried fielder going up to check on Close. "What would have happened if he'd hit you right between the eyes?" "In that case," growled Close, "the bugger would have been caught at cover."
"The English," wrote one Englishman, "are not a spiritual people, and so they invented cricket in order to have some conception of eternity.'' The people of the Indian sub-continent are, however, intensely religious; and they adopted cricket in order to have some excuse for celebration.
Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.- BrianJohnston, BBC Radio If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you're left two short.- Bob Massie, ABC Radio
It is important for Pakistan to take wickets if they are going to make big inroads into this Australian batting line-up. - Max Walker, Channel 9
It's been very slow and dull day, but it hasn't been boring. It's been a good, entertaining day's cricket.- Tony Benneworth, ABC Radio
On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came off. - Trevor Bailey, Radio 3
Q: Do you feel that the selectors and yourself have been vindicated by the result? A: I don't think the press are vindictive. They can write what they want. - Mike Gatting, ITV
The bowler (a very very slow one) bowled the first ball of the over without any spin whatsoever and the batsman stood directly in the line of the wicket and was hit on the shin pad. When the bowler appealed for lbw, the umpire decided in the batsman's favor. The bowler said nothing until he completed the over, when the following exchange took place:
Bowler: Was the batsman in front of the wicket?
Umpire: Yes, he was.
Bowler: Did the ball hit him in the pads?
Umpire: Yes, it did. Bowler: Would the ball have hit the wicket?
Umpire: Yes, it surely would.
Bowler: Then why didn't you give him out?
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